Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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