I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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