a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
