i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Houston, we have a blender
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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