i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
