Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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