Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
