I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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