I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm gonna fight the coyote
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
