Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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