I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
