As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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