Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
