Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize