Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
