I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
