Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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