Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize