Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize