And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
