You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
