You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
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