in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
