ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
