The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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