Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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