Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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