I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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