he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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