sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
