and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize