Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Say something about gay babies.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
