I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
