Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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