i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Blood and glitter go together right?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
