I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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