I intend to get homeless drunk
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
