I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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