Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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