3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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