I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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