in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
