i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
