1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
