I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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