girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
