it's like iHOP with fire
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
she pinky promised me she was 18
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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