why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
