You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
