Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
