i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
