I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
How does it feel to date your dad?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
