sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
