if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
