Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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