I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize