tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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