It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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