I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
