If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
